My Garden & Jesus

My manager, Amber, and I recently had an interesting conversation. I was standing at the customer service desk at my work waiting for the computer to become available and Amber was finishing processing a return for a customer who didn't want the tea she'd purchased because she got home and realized it contained Black Tea which was caffeinated and against her religion. 

Knowing that I belong to the same religion as this customer, Amber turned to me and asked, "Esther, what's up with your church and Tea and Coffee?" She continued to expound on her question, reminding me that energy drinks (which are frequently drunk by members of my church) apparently aren't against the rules so it can't be the caffeine that's the issue. She was thoroughly confused about why energy drinks that contain 2.5 times more caffeine than Tea were okay when a naturally growing plant that God made was not. 

I laughed and then said something like, "I can't answer for everyone, and remember, we're following rules that were written and interpreted more than 100 years ago so I can't tell you what originally inspired the commandment. What I can tell you is my perspective that the rules and guidelines were given by God to help His people be a healthy, vibrant people who didn't rely on chemicals or stimulants to survive. I suspect that His goal was to have His people stand out as peculiar because they were strong, healthy, resistant to illness, infection, and poison, and living a Godly lifestyle."

"If that's true," I continued, "Then I agree with you. It makes way more sense to have people drink Green tea instead of energy drinks. Clinical studies show that Green Tea has myriad health benefits that sugar and straight caffeine don't. Personally, I don't eat or drink anything with a high caffeine content. Not because it's 'not allowed' but because my body is perfectly capable of functioning without stimulants. I have plenty of energy and stamina and if I am tired, I'd rather get more sleep than trick my body by giving it caffeine."

I finished by saying, "I don't drink caffeine because it's not something my body needs for health and I don't ever want my body to get addicted to a caffeine shot to get me through the day." 

Then I looked up and saw a former coworker standing by the desk, listening to the conversation with a familiar smile on his face. Knowing his opinion about everything I'd just said I asked him, "Are you judging me, Max?"

His immediate response. "Yes. Every time I hear you give this explanation I think its stupid."

"You think its stupid that I can make it through my day without an energy drink?" I retorted.

"I can make it through the day without an energy drink," He replied defensively.

"Really. Okay. With as much energy and general happiness as I do?"

Amber cut in, "Yeah, Max. Are you as peppy and fun to be around as Esther if you haven't had an energy drink?"  

Max didn't respond. We all know his mood tanks without energy drinks. We also all know that I am my coworkers' favorite person to work with. Even Max admitted that the shifts he worked with me were his favorite. 

Finally, Max said, "Esther, I just think you don't know what you're missing. You don't know how good life can be with some of the stuff I take." (Max enjoys a variety of drugs, alcohol, and psychoactive mushrooms in addition to his energy drinks). 

I didn't have a response to that so I was just going to let it go, but Amber cut in. "She doesn't need that stuff. Don't you know? She has her garden and Jesus and that's all she needs."

Max scoffed.

"Her garden and Jesus, Max. It's all she needs." Amber stated again, firmly.

We all started laughing at that since Amber enjoys her own variety of drugs and weed and has a dubious relationship with God. Still laughing we bid each other farewell, agreeing as friends to respect each others life choices. 

. . .Her garden and Jesus. . .You don't know what you're missing. . .Her garden and Jesus. . .Your beliefs are stupid. . .Her garden and Jesus. . .

For the rest of the day those words floated through my mind. The conversation left me a little uncertain about two things.

First, I know I'm a pretty naive and innocent person. I'm not the sort of person to go out and take unexpected risks; I don't usually do new things without studying and comparing the costs and benefits. There are a lot of thing in the world I don't know about, a lot of things I wish I didn't know about, and a lot of things I never want to find out more about. Drugs and alcohol are two of those thing. 

Unfortunately, being naive and safe has problems. One problem is that I don't know what I don't know and I reject a lot of things (some of which might be good) merely because I've not heard of them or have only heard negative things about them. I don't mind being naive. I never want to be uninformed. 

So when Max told me that I don't know what I'm missing and that my way is stupid, it...well, it didn't make me want to suddenly run out and try his form of recreation, but it did make me want to analyze and be sure that I understand the potential costs and benefits of drugs, alcohol, and psychoactive substances and know that I am making my choice based on fact and not fear. 

Second, Amber's comment that all I need is my garden and Jesus was meant as a joke. It's also the sort of trite platitude that I feel like people might use when they're trying to avoid a deeper, potentially uncomfortable conversation. I don't mind being innocent. I never want to be trite.

When I first heard Amber's statement about my garden and Jesus my initial thought was something like, "That's way too trite and simplified. No way is that true." Of course, then I felt guilty and uncertain because as a Christian I'm say I believe that Jesus is everything to me. So then I was confused and desperate to figure out if Amber was right. 

Not taking anything or anyone else into account, is all I need my garden and Jesus? 

Yes. Truly, yes.

But not in that order and with one clarification which I will get to later. First, let me tell you about Jesus.

Depending on who you are, you may or may not know that I struggled with depression and will-to-live during high school. When I tell people that now they usually don't believe me. Or they look at me and think it must not have been a very severe case of depression because truly depressed people don't recover to be as happy and optimistic as I am. 

I get that. I understand the doubt. And, in truth, I think my experience with depression was unique to me in that it didn't seem to affect my physical brain. I know and love people who struggle with depression because their brains don't send the right signals or produce the right hormones or enough neurotransmitters and that is a difficult thing to address. I believe I was spiritually and emotionally depressed and that potentially affected my physical body for a time (when you're not experiencing joy you just don't produce happy hormones as much), but the issue wasn't with my body. Still, it was enough to get me wondering if life was worth living. I saw no purpose to continuing with life. I was trapped in this cycle of negative thoughts and emotions. My spirit felt dead leaving my body feeling detached. I was numb but also in pain. 

I don't remember the exact timeline, but I do remember writing in a journal one day that I wasn't sure why I was on this earth anymore and maybe it would be better if I wasn't.

That jolted me because before this experience I had been a happy, life-filled child and I knew that these negative, dark emotions weren't really me. I didn't know what to do to fix me, but that journal entry got me asking questions again. It got me looking for answers and solutions. I tried a few things that didn't seem to do anything for me and then I started getting desperate. In a last ditch effort (greatly inspired by the fact that it was January 1st and partly inspired by a devotional my siblings were listening to) I decided that my New Year Resolution was to become friends with Jesus. I didn't know how to accomplish that and I had no idea what that would look like, but that was what I was going to do. Jesus was going to become my best friend.

My coworker and I got into a conversation last week about the New Year and our goals. She asked me if I'd made any resolutions and I told her, "No. I couldn't think of any changes I want to make that I'm actually ready for and I'm not the sort of person to just make a goal for the sake of tradition that I'm not going to complete."

"Have you ever made a New Year resolution?" she asked.

"Once. And it changed my life."

I wish I could write a nice list detailing everything that becoming friends with Jesus has done for me. But although I found relief and peace from my emotional pain very quickly after finding the right friend, my actual healing process--the process of changing the darkness to light, the pattern of negativity to positivity, and the wish to die into a love of life has happened gradually over the last seven or eight years. Over time, (and without me even noticing sometimes!) my friendship with Jesus has altered my attitude, my perspective, and my life focus and goals in really small ways so that today I am so different that most people cannot even imagine me with depression.

Those who know me may read my descriptions of myself (idiotic, selfish, self-centered, mean-spirited, depressed, spiteful, angry, frustrated, etc.) and think I am exaggerating for the sake of the story. I'm not. Believe it or not, I was those things. All of them and more. If not out loud (I would never have gotten away with saying half the things I thought about people), at least in my head. 

In my bio for this blog I mention the three top things I want people to know about me. The third is that I believe in Jesus Christ. I then finished my bio with these words, "Everything else you might want to know may be discovered if you stick around."

That is the truth. I can't tell you about myself and my friend Jesus in a short, simple, easy way. I can't even begin to isolate and identify the ways Jesus has impacted my health, my life, and my emotional well-being. What I can say is that His influence in my life is written into every post, every page, and every word of this blog. This blog is a 4 year journal that catalogs the small discoveries that have changed me from the negative, mean, angry person pretending to be happy that I used to be, into the truly joyful, optimistic, trying to be kind individual I am today.

So, at the risk of sounding trite, yes, all I need is Jesus.

But I want to clarify. When I say that Jesus is all I need, I'm not settling for a life of want, need, poverty, or deprivation. Jesus is all I need because He brings me all I need. No, He does not just drop food or shelter at my feet (though I do believe He could if He needed to), rather, He brings me the relationships, experiences, opportunities, perspectives, hope, and optimism that make it possible for me to go out and provide for my needs, purchase food and shelter, and give of what I have because He has brought me opportunities and optimism in abundance. I still have to work, but I love the work I do. I love the life I live. I find such joy in everything that even when stress and worry try to strip me clean I still manage to feel like life is worth living. 

Jesus doesn't give me everything; He gives me everything I need, abundantly.