No Expectations

We can't talk about pennies without talking about change.  

We also can't talk about expectations and faith without talking about the Law of No Expectations. Before you ask, yes, there is some part of me that genuinely enjoys writing posts with contradictory titles. It's my slightly backward sense of humor. I also think it's a great way to get your attention and I need you to pay attention because what I am about to say is crucial. Without a firm understanding of the law of No Expectations nothing we attempt to create or change in our lives will succeed. 

I understand that Gandhi is credited with saying, "Be the change you want to see in the world." I want to get credit for saying that that is a very deceptive statement. Not to say he's wrong exactly, it's just that...well, I misunderstood that quote for a very long time. I might be about to prove that I am the biggest idiot in the world but I am really hoping that there's at least one other person understood this quote the way I did. 

See, I've always read that quote and said to myself, "Okay. I'll change my behavior and I'll push for improvement and change in the world around me (family, work, school, community) and then I'll see that change in the world!" I suppose there was some subconscious part of me that realized I might not actually see the change because Gandhi never said you would actually change the world, just that you should change if you want to see the world change. But, thanks to that quote, when I act consciously I am expecting to see change. And, being a member of the instant gratification generation, I'm expecting to see that change fairly quickly. 

I like to think of myself as fairly enlightened. If I didn't think I had a slightly enlightened mind I (hopefully) wouldn't be writing a blog. The problem with being mildly enlightened is the natural tendency to want to share that enlightenment with others (hence the blog). The other problem is that enlightenment tends to be exciting. Really exciting.

Ideas excite me. Inspiration thrills me. Growth and change are my hobbies. If I learn something new, something that either changes my life drastically for the better or that I believe has potential to change someone else's life, I am beyond thrilled to share it. I have a really hard time keeping secrets (I basically can't keep secrets, at least, not good ones). Good news on all sorts of topics just comes spilling out of me. Unfortunately, in my excitement I become a bit of a bulldozer. I become so convinced that what I've learned has the potential to improve quality of life and induce happiness (a passion of mine) that in the past I have (and sometimes still do) tried to convince people that I'm right and that they absolutely need to try my new idea.

Then when my friends and family don't take my advice, since they're logical, rational, thinking beings with life paths and opinions of their own (a lot of which don't line up with what I think), I get frustrated and wonder why they won't just change and realize that life could be ever so much better my way. Of course, once I'm frustrated my interactions with others fail and my relationship with them becomes strained. Instead of making someone's life better I end up making mine worse.

I have been trying to calm down my bulldozer personality a bit. I've been trying to recognize when people are actually asking for my suggestions and thoughts (very rarely, I've discovered), and when they are venting, seeking approval or understanding, or processing things on their own time table and aren't actually interested in anything I might have to say (the--tragically--vast majority--99.5%??--of the time). Which means that I have been trying to learn to shut up.  

It's excruciating. Because while I might stop sharing unsolicited ideas willy-nilly, that doesn't mean I stop having ideas or seeing things I want to change. I have a lot of ideas and when people appear stuck, lost, confused, or directionless, I ache to share my vision of what their life could be. These ideas so often seem inspired and as if God is helping me help others. Unfortunately the vast majority--99.5%--of the time when I take the time to pray, make sure my actions are in line with God's will, and then share ideas, I still end up frustrated and annoyed, feel meddlesome, like I've failed the interaction, and momentarily damaged the relationship. 

Why? I feel inspired! I feel like God is guiding me to answers for others! I feel like my mind and heart were designed for helping others recognize and implement change. How in God's divine plan could that inspiration and enlightenment end up making my relationships worse and setting people even more firmly on their own paths?  

Do you remember my prayer from my last post? Just in case you don't, here it is.

"I answer to you God, and only you. Guide me today to what you want my answer to be. Let me not serve myself or another. Let me serve only you and to you be the results, the blessings, and the glory."

Last week I focused primarily on the first three sentences in the prayer because back then that was what I needed to learn. It wasn't until I got home and reread it that I realized the importance of the last sentence--"Let me serve only you and to you be the results, the blessings, and the glory." 

The real problem with enlightenment is that it is governed by the rules of 'No Expectations." The other problem with enlightenment is that it has next to nothing (maybe 0.5%) to do with me and everything (99.5%--at least) to do with God. 

In a moment of enlightenment I finally realized something (it's not even my enlightenment actually, my mom said something to this effect days ago). God is the change. Which, I guess makes Him a penny, but I'm actually quite serious about this. He is the change. I have absolutely no power to create real and lasting change in myself, or--more especially--in other people. I can suggest, I can serve, I can give, I can support, but I can't change anyone. That's His job. And thinking otherwise is perhaps the most prideful, egotistical thing I do on a regular (daily) basis. Thinking that anything I do has the power to change someone else is idiotic. 

Those who have been on the receiving end of a few of my notes, letters, gifts, or service might disagree but here's the real, honest truth--it wasn't me. Ever. I can't claim credit. I (natural me) would never have done those things. I'm a selfish, self-absorbed person who is more likely to do kind things for others that benefit me than for any real altruistic reason. It takes God prodding me and nudging me and reminding me to get me acting for others. It takes Him telling me what someone needs for me to create a meaningful gift. It is Him, not me, doing the giving and the creating and the brainstorming. I'm just lucky to have two hands He can use.

Here's what I've learned after failed relationships, negative interactions, and eating my share of humble pie. Every gift and every action is better received and better utilized when it is given with no expectations. (Actually, the honest definition of a gift is something freely given with no strings--no expectations--attached). This is verifiable fact. I have tested it. When I suggest things, urge people to take action, or give a gift while expecting a specific result the actual result is insulting people, pushback, strained relationships, discontent, and regret for spending money or time on a gift that "didn't work." When I offer an idea or a piece of my heart with the expectation that the receiver is going to behave or respond in a certain way that offering is no longer a gift, it is manipulation. It's not God's will, it's my will. Every time I give a gift (time, money, object, love, thought, prayer, etc.) with an expectation the outcome is negative. The gift comes across as calculated, not loving. It is burdensome, not freeing. It is depressing, not enlightening. Every single time. 

However, in the past few months, as I've tried to live the law of No Expectations, when I've offered myself with no thought for reward, specific results, or calculated change, the outcome is incredible. I've experienced a decrease in stress and worry, an increase in positivity and love, stronger relationships, better work environment, and greater acceptance for who I am right now. I've witnessed change. I've seen the possibilities and the potential, even if only for a moment.

Which is why I now invite you to join me in working each day to have no expectations in your relationships and your interactions with others. I ask you to give with no thought for reward. I ask you to serve with no thought for the consequence. I ask you to love without condition. Backward and contradictory as this may seem based on everything I've been saying the last few weeks, I ask you to live and love others with no expectations. 

And once again, contrary as it may appear, I'm not rescinding or invalidating anything I've said about expectations in the past. The thing is, I still have expectations for God. I expect that He is going to work miracles. I expect Him to change the world (and my world) and make a difference. I expect Him to get results and provide blessings. I just realize that His results might not match mine. His miracles might not look like the miracles I want. And His timeline might not be (probably isn't) as fast as mine. He might not change others, my environment, my life, or their lives the way I think it should be changed. In fact, I might offer my whole heart and see nothing--not acceptance, not gratitude, not even recognition--in return. I might get annoyed for a moment when I think that the offering was worthless and "didn't work." But then I remember in whom I trust. I remember who I answer to. I remember that God doesn't live up to my expectations. His are the blessings, the results, and the glory. It is up to Him to urge, inspire, and invite change. It has nothing to do with me, what I want, or what I think I or others need.

When I eventually do succeed at leaving the results, the blessings, and the glory to Him...miracles. Beyond anything I could ever have imagined or expected. Gifts changing lives. Suggestions producing results. Health, hope, and happiness going from far-fetched dreams to possibilities. If not forever, at least for one special, love and light-filled, glorious moment. Because when we answer to Him, when we listen to Him, and place our hope, our faith, and our expectations in Him, He takes care of the results, the blessings, and the glory. 

And He'll exceed your expectations every time.