I Answer to God

"I answer to you God, and only you. Guide me today to what you want my answer to be. Let me not serve myself or another. Let me serve only you and to you be the results, the blessings, and the glory." 

That was my very unexpected prayer from this morning as I opened my car door to walk into church. 

I was late today and it was cold, so I took my car to church instead of my usual morning walk. All the way there (for the whole 4 minute drive) I was wondering if I would actually make it into the chapel today. I haven't been in the chapel for the last three weeks. I haven't been up to it. I barely managed to get myself through the door and was mostly showing up to say I fulfilled the expectation. If anyone asked I could honestly say that my body had made it to the church building though I can't answer for whether or not I mentally, emotionally, or spiritually showed up. 

I go through phases at church. There are times when I'm fully involved, ready to go, ready to serve, ready to pay attention and feel edified. Those are 2-3 weeks a year. The majority of the time I show up and spend my mental energy planning out who needs service, what to say to so-and-so, and how I'm going to face the upcoming work week and support my coworkers and family the best I can. And every so often I reach a point where even the minimal effort of dressing for church and showing up feels almost impossible. On those days (if I don't decide to ditch church and go hiking) I'll drag myself through the church doors late, drag my feet down the long hallway, make it all the way to where I can glance in the chapel doors and look for a seat, and then I'll turn around and find an inconspicuous spot to sit on the floor. Against the wall. In a spot of sunshine. 

Off come the shoes. Down comes the hair. I'll do a few yoga stretches, drink copious amounts of water. One memorable day I laid in corpse pose for an hour--that was a good day. Two weeks ago I was trying to work out 2 very different life problems so I pulled out my journal and my favorite pen and spent an hour trying to get some answers out of God. I like to imagine that I'm connecting with God, but the truth is that by the time I reach this level of disconnection from the world around me I'm not in a great place to connect with any source of divine guidance. I'm literally just trying to survive. On really bad days I open the library app on my phone and indulge in a romance novel instead of listening to the spiritual advice of the speakers. 

Today I was determined. I was going to make it into the chapel this week. Except that as 10:00 ticked closer I felt my determination slip. Showing up and making small talk would take too much effort. I'd have to smile and serve and support the struggling members around me. I'd have to fulfill assignment requirements, sing, and pretend to pay attention to the speakers. I didn't feel up to it but there was still a part of me that desperately wanted to be past this set of Sunday Doldrums. Friends, this cycle has been going on for years (7 at least) and I have yet to find out why I get this way about church or how to fix it. So, much as I wanted to make it to the chapel today I felt my resolve slipping away.

Until that prayer slipped out of my mouth. I wasn't expecting it. I literally just opened my mouth and spoke those words without thinking. Then I froze and tried to process what I'd just prayed/committed to/promised. 

To answer only to God. 

What? Who else would I answer to if not God? 

Quick and cutting my spirit replied, "Um...yourself? Others/Institutions? Others expectations for you? Your expectations for yourself? Anyone you feel you have to justify your actions, behaviors, and beliefs to?" Memory after memory of times when I've answered to others instead of God flew through my mind. The times I served because it was expected and I wanted to boost my image. The times when I forced myself to do something because if I didn't I wouldn't be a "good person" (like talking to people that tend to be emotionally draining because I'm supposed to 'love everyone'). The days and weeks when I demanded more from myself than I really had to give in the name of 'serving God' when in reality I was just trying to live up to the expectation of perfection. 

In the same moment the scripture about serving two masters flew through my consciousness and my spirit said, "Oh yeah. All those times you do something for recognition (as a stroke to my ego and pride) or those times you do things in order to get other people to act a certain way (manipulation, anyone?) you're not serving God. You're serving yourself." Again, a litany of memories. Being the one-man show on church committees because no one else showed up. Volunteering for tasks others were probably better suited for. Giving someone a gift or letter as a way of softening them to my viewpoint. Luckily the list wasn't super recent, but still, concerning. 

And then I unfroze and looked toward the church doors and asked myself, "Esther, what are you about to do?" The unfortunate answer--"I'm going to walk in those doors and put on a cheery face because that's what people expect from me. I'm going to stroll in with all confidence and purpose as if I know exactly what I'm doing because if I don't people might see the weak, uncertain person underneath and they might avoid me. Of course, then I'm going to avoid everyone I possibly can and either sit on an empty pew or end up on the floor in an empty classroom again. If I do talk to someone it'll be because they expect me to chat with them and make them feel important and loved and if I don't they'll assume I don't love them and I can't have that. Even though I'd much rather not have to talk with them today. Then I'm going to attend Sunday School and give the expected answer at the expected time not because I actually believe it, just because it's expected. Then I'll hang around after church kind of hoping that someone will come talk to me even though I really don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to feel like I have friends because I feel like I should have friends. Then I'll go home." 

I paused in my answer for a second because I could hear that everything was "I" or "other" oriented and not once did what God wanted factor in to my church experience. Not once was I going to show up authentically. Instead I was going to attempt to be whatever everyone else needed me to be. I'd give a hug, fake a smile, make small talk, lead a meeting, say a prayer. Not because I wanted to. Not because God wanted me to. Merely because I'd let myself and society build up a set of expectations that I felt I had to answer to.

But not anymore. I had spoken that unintentional prayer with solemnity. I'd made a commitment to God. Whatever He wanted me to do I was going to do because I only answer to Him. And whatever I thought I should do or believed others expected I should do, I would not do unless it was something God also wanted me to do. 

In some miraculous way that made all the difference today. I boldly and confidently strode out of my car but not because I was pretending some sort of confidence that I didn't actually have. No, I was confident because doing what God expected of me was far less stressful and overwhelming than doing what I expected of me. God didn't expect me to have all the answers, help all the people, smile all the time, or befriend everyone. That's what I expected of me. God expected me to listen to Him. 

Today, that looked like walking all the way into the chapel, scanning the room, and sitting by a friend I haven't spoken with in weeks (due to me not making it all the way into the chapel). I gave her a hug, she gave me one back, and we sat in comfortable silence. Today, answering only to God looked like not feeling guilty for having forgotten someone's birthday and not over-stressing in an attempt to make up for that. It looked like avoiding someone I usually make myself talk to and talking to someone I usually avoid. I think I talked to three total people today. And that was enough. It was perfect. It was what God wanted.

...It's been a week and a half. This past Sunday I was not as successful at answering only to God and I came home feeling discouraged and confused and unhappy. After telling my dad my concerns and questions he spoke a profound statement. He said, "Esther, you don't need to be constantly looking for someone to help (fix, serve, rescue, befriend, support). You just need to be listening and when God speaks, you act."  

Friends, there are a million times ten problems in this world. There are hurts, anger, drama, questions, choices, mistakes and who even knows what else?! There are a trillion times three things to worry about, wonder about, attempt to solve. But just because there's a lot to be done doesn't mean it's your job to do. 

Your job is to listen to God. You answer to Him. Not me, not your extended family member, not your emotionally toxic friend, your boss, or a frustrating coworker. You answer to God and only God.