Free to Be or Not to Be
"Never. Again. Never again! Never!!"
Words I said to myself in a moment of self-retribution and guilty conviction. Words spoken before I did it again. And again. Again and again and again.
The word "sin" and I have had to come to terms with one another over the last few years. Though, I doubt that 'sin,' the word, really took issue with me, I have an issue with it. I don't like the word. Realistically, I can't imagine anyone saying they actually like the idea, discussion, and committing of sin. There are rather a lot of people who do sin, per se, in ways that most people readily admit are sins--unfaithfulness, thievery, lying, violence--the generally accepted as socially unacceptable things. But then, violence is wrong until someone decides to go to war, lying is wrong until someone decides their cause is worth lying for, thievery and stealing are wrong until you have a family to feed and no other option, and unfaithfulness is wrong except that he or she started it, was unfaithful first, or drove us to it.
I only just recently learned about the seven deadly sins--lust, greed, gluttony, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride--and laughed to realize how many of those sins are considered socially acceptable. I live in a society where many do the barest minimum possible to eke their earnings, where overeating and excess are encouraged (unnecessary possessions, food as a bribe to every event), where people of every age are encouraged to envy what others have and mourn their own lack while still managing to place themselves above others and demean those beneath them offhand. I live in a society where speaking one's mind has eclipsed listening to another's perspective. Where arguments are heated, offensive, and potentially dangerous affairs rather than courteous debates.
I live in a society in which nobody recognizes that those are sins. Not that I can blame anyone. I certainly didn't realize these common occurrences as examples of deadly sin. They're all such normal, everyday things. They couldn't be sin. Everyone does them. After all, everyone knows that if you don't provide food at a service project, no one will show up.
If only that argument actually held up in my life, but it doesn't. I'm smarter than that, even if it took my conscious mind years to catch up with the real reason why I dislike the word 'sin.' And much as I tried to justify that it had nothing to do with the fact that my life was filled with sin and everything to do with the fact that the word sin has become linked to concepts of judgement, retribution, guilt, and shame to the point that feeling as if one had sinned also made one feel as if all hope had been lost and nothing could be done about it (which felt very un-Christ and redemption-like), still the need for justification and reasoning away the guilt remained. A sure sign that something more than an inaccurate definition was at work.
Which is why, minutes after a moment of weakness I found myself repeating the familiar refrain--Never again. Never. Again.
The trouble was, I couldn't seem to make "this time the last time" or "remember the consequences" or "just say 'no'" or any of the other helpful phrases I'd been taught at church and at home. They simply weren't strong enough to ward off temptation. The consequences were never so severe or memorable that they scared me away from things I knew I shouldn't do. I just did them and suffered afterward. Nothing helped.
Well, that's not quite true. There was one thing that worked. I remember very distinctly the day (I was probably 8 or 9) when I was suffering from a strong temptation. I was home alone. There was no one to stop me, no one to find out. Except that I did NOT want to fall to temptation that day. I was adamant. It wasn't going to happen. I was going to be good. But I was lonely. There was nothing to do. The temptation increased and despite the fact that I really didn't want to sin that day, I found my own wants weren't strong enough to stop the temptation. I fell prey and thought of the only thing I might do that would save me--I prayed. I prayed harder than I think I've ever prayed in my life. I prayed that God would protect me, take the temptation away, and save me from myself.
I learned my lesson that day. I never asked God to take a temptation away from me again. At least, not earnestly. He was too good at it. And, sinful creature that I am, I discovered that I enjoyed the pleasure of sin too much to pray it away a second time.
If only you could hear me laughing right now. I guarantee that is not how you expected that story to end. It's certainly not the ending my Sunday School teachers told me to expect. They were right that prayer took the temptation away that time. They were wrong in thinking that meant I would be ready to give up on my favorite sins. Not that I doubt that if I prayed faithfully and fervently, God would be able to cure me of my need for that particular sin. Given the effectiveness of stopping me from a sin-in-progress, I am certain that prayer would help me overcome this particular weakness. The only problem? The temptation was stronger than my desire to get rid of it. I didn't want to overcome it. Not enough. Yes, after messing up and feeling guilty I would say a quarter-hearted prayer for help the next time, but then the next time would come and I wouldn't care.
What went wrong?
I've wondered that for 15 years. Ever since discovering how effective prayer is, I've wondered what would finally make me ready to turn to prayer and give up my favorite sin and best weakness. That's right. 15 years and I'm still not free from that particular temptation. Still not ready to pray for help.
Until last week, when mid-way through a schoolbook, I learned. Learned what? I'm not actually convinced that's something you need to know. And, open as I am about my life, I'm not willing to share my favorite sin with all of you. Suffice it to say that after reading that section of the book I found a reason to avoid the temptation. A reason that was stronger than merely "knowing it was wrong" or "avoiding consequences" or "because my parents told me not to." It was a reason that meant a lot to me, involving a few of my favorite passions--health, relationships, emotional well-being, and my future children. I found a knowledge, a passion, stronger than the thrill and pleasure of sin and indulgence. One that changed everything in a matter of moments.
I feel different. I am different. After 15 years, I am free. Not to say I won't feel tempted again. But I feel strong enough now. I can willingly and readily turn to God. I can say 'no' because saying 'no' matters to me. Because I have a reason.
I think I finally understand why Satan attempts to keep us from learning. Knowledge is power. The truth sets you free. Which knowledge and what truth? That depends on you. I learned a lot of things over the years that "should have" freed me from temptation, but they didn't. They weren't things I cared about or truths I believed. Gratefully, I kept learning, kept searching. And thanks be to God that He led me to the one truth I actually did believe, the knowledge I did care about, the answers I didn't know I was seeking.
15 years ago, I would have thought my prayer failed. I would have berated myself for the 15 years of failure and weakness. I would have wished I could have learned this 15 years ago and avoided the sin. But, as I said, I'm different now. I wouldn't have cared about this answer 15 years ago. I probably wouldn't have cared about any answer 15 years ago. I wasn't ready. Now I am.
I didn't used to think that kind of change was possible. God has made a believer out of me.
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