The Benefit of the Trust

I know, I know. The title of this post doesn't make a lot of sense. You're probably wondering if I'm going to give you a lecture on the tax benefits associated with bank trusts. Don't worry. I am well aware I am nowhere near qualified enough to discuss matters of business or accounting. But if you really think about it, the official phrase "the benefit of the doubt" doesn't make much sense as a sentence either. The implied message is that you (the person giving the benefit of the doubt) are choosing to believe someone even though you're a bit dubious about the veracity their actions or words. What? How did we get that out of "benefit" and "doubt"? Words are weird.

Anyway. That's what we're talking about. 

In day to day life I suspect we all give the benefit of the doubt quite regularly. We're taught to. I remember conversation after lesson about seeing things from others' perspectives. 

The classic example: Road Rage. Imagine someone cuts you off in traffic. Instead of getting mad think about what they might be going through. Maybe they can't be late to work again or they'll lose their job or maybe they've a family member in the hospital. You never know.

I cannot count the number of classes in which people have parroted that scenario. And I'm not saying it's bad. It's intended to be thought-provoking and (provided it's not repeated too often) it is. Naturally, the lesson doesn't end there. 

The next example: Rude People. Imagine working retail. Need I say more? Before I do say more, remember that I'm not saying you shouldn't stand up for yourself. If you feel like your safety is threatened or your dignity is in danger then absolutely do whatever it takes to claim your human rights. But, it is possible to do that without getting mad and frustrated. Whenever a particularly difficult customer walks away I make sure to take a deep breath and while I (gratefully) watch them go, I come up with a few different reasons why they behaved the way they did. Perhaps they were in pain (I work at a health food store. That's a very likely possibility). Perhaps they have a family member who is seriously ill (also a common story where I work). Maybe they've been out with their kids all day and they're frazzled, distracted, and stressed (having seen their kids, that's not a far stretch of the imagination). And, having done that I mentally wish them the best and then thank God for helping make it through. 

There you go. Two examples you probably didn't need of giving the benefit of the doubt. Interestingly though, both of these scenarios revolve around what to do when you encounter difficult strangers. Not once in any class I attended did a teacher or commenter mention a scenario where you give the benefit of the doubt to friends.

Why? An oversight? It just never came to mind? Because people don't have to give the benefit of the doubt to their friends?

No. I suspect it has more to do with the apparent difficulty of giving the benefit of the doubt to strangers versus friends. Let's face it. It's actually pretty easy to think up some reason why a stranger behaves poorly. Since you don't know them you're free to come up with any excuse you want no matter how ridiculous or far-fetched it is. Perhaps the person cutting you off is a storm chaser who heard about a tornado brewing in the next county and is trying to get there in time for the most thrilling/dangerous show of their lives. Maybe it's someone whose dreamed of joining the circus and this is their chance but they have to catch up to the circus before it crosses the state line. Doubtful, but given that all you know about this person is the make and model of their car (assuming it actually is their car) and that they drive too fast, it's about as likely as anything else. 

It's much harder to give the benefit of the doubt to your friends. To trust your friends. To believe that they have a good reason for cancelling last minute, forgetting to call, speaking abruptly, or hurting your feelings. Why? Simply because you know them. You know their weaknesses. You often know bits of their story. You know how they spend their time. You can't make up and believe any story you want. You know them which means you think you know why they're behaving the way they do. As their friend you're invested in some part of their business and, unfortunately, that often makes us feel entitled to an accounting of others' actions [:)]. And oddly, that makes it harder to take their word at face value. 

It's harder to trust the people you trust (go with me here) because you know their weaknesses. Not only that, but each individual has a favored-few weaknesses that are more likely to show up than others. For one coworker it's waiting until the last minute to ask you to cover their shift. They just can't seem to plan ahead. For another friend it's double booking oneself and then having to rearrange plans or cancel. For another it's jumping to conclusions and making assumptions. Oh wait. That one's true for all of us. 

And in our frustration, our selfishness, our humanness we often forget that we trust these people. That there's a reason we're their friend. That they almost always have a reason for doing what they do. True, it might not be a reason we agree with. It might not be something we feel is important. In fact, their reasoning may even irk us and bring up frustration and doubt. But that doesn't give us the right to rage at them or treat them rudely in return. We are their friends, after all. Perhaps it's time to give them the benefit of the trust. 

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P.S. I know my sister will get mad that I've used the personal pronoun "you" repeatedly in this post. I generally do try to avoid it. But give me the benefit of the trust, girl. I reread these posts more often than anyone else and I could use a good talking-to every once in a while. :)