Am I Prepared?
Alright folks! For the last three years I've observed, studied, and analyzed an anomaly. My plan was to figure out what the anomaly is, what it does, and how it works and then report back to you in a very scientific way. Unfortunately, I find myself unable to explain the anomaly. So instead, I've decided to describe it. To do so, we must go back 15 months.
It was a Saturday. I had an art history exam on Wednesday, and I didn't feel prepared. Now, those who know me know that's a very odd feeling for Esther to be experiencing. I might not have everything figured out, but when it comes to academics I plan and prepare far in advance. In fact, I have never crammed for an exam. From the moment I begin a class until each test I am working out a study schedule, regime, and plan that I follow strictly until the test. In art history, that involved making very detailed note cards about everything we discussed in class each week. I would begin reviewing the note cards the day after class and study them every day for a week. Then when I added more, I would move the previous week's notes to an every other day schedule and study the new things every day. The closer I got to a test, the longer and more involved my review sessions became. I could easily spend 2+ hours a day studying my notes. Art history tests include long essay questions so I would pretty much take a prompt off my note cards and write an essay out loud to myself as I drove 20 minutes to work. I'd do the same thing on the way home from work, while I ate dinner, and while I brushed my teeth.
The week before each test I could pretty much recite everything I'd learned in the class (literally everything) forwards, backwards, and inside out. But that didn't mean I was done studying. I continued reviewing those cards (no matter how well I knew them) every day until the test (and even on the day of the test) just to be sure I was prepared.
And you'd think (or at least, I would) that this intense study schedule would mean I would feel prepared for a test. That I would walk into a test knowing with certainty that I would ace it. But approximately four days before each art history test I would no longer feel prepared. I felt so unprepared that I often couldn't remember the facts off the top of my head. I'd have to sit, think, and slowly pull information out of my memory. It didn't sit ready for me at the front of my brain anymore. This was extremely disturbing. Especially early on. I could not figure out what was going on. I knew that in theory, I was prepared for the test. I'd reviewed the test and beat those facts into my head so often I could have taught the class. Yet I walked into each test every semester feeling woefully unprepared.
And this wasn't just in art history. In my biology class, my psychology classes, my child development, photography, physics, Spanish, and oceanography classes. All of which I prepared for diligently week after week, month after month, semester after semester. It didn't matter. I never felt prepared.
As time went on, I realized this didn't just happen in academics. I've been playing musical instruments for most of my life and I've performed regularly in a variety of settings. When I was younger I was less observant and less good at practicing so I'm not sure it applied as much, but the older (and better) I got at playing the instruments, the more prepared I became and the less prepared I felt. Without fail, I play my very worst during the rehearsal before my final performance. Which is honestly really terrifying because you're hoping the rehearsal will show you that you do know the song well enough and that it's going to sound good in front of an audience (especially since nerves automatically introduce some mistakes). But I'd mess up, forget my place, get distracted, play out of tune notes--basically everything that could go wrong during that final rehearsal. And then I'd wonder--am I really ready? Am I going to succeed? Am I actually prepared?
You might wonder why this is coming up now. After all, I'm done with school and don't perform on musical instruments very often (and not ever in high-stakes environments). Nonetheless, the question of being prepared comes up repeatedly in my life. Am I prepared for work and the questions I'll be asked to answer there? Am I prepared for a difficult conversation with a friend? Am I prepared to face my own flaws, take responsibility, and make adjustments? Am I prepared to meet God? Am I prepared to stand with Christ? Am I prepared to stand for liberty, freedom, and what is right no matter the cost? Am I prepared to defend what I believe? Am I prepared to love especially when it's hard?
I am faced with at least one (though usually more) of these questions every single day. And for the longest time my answer was always no.
When customers ask me questions at work my mind goes blank--absolutely blank.
I mess up conversations with friends all. the. time. I hurt people, insult them. Unintentionally offend them. Misrepresent myself and misunderstand them.
I forget God. I get mad at Him. I ignore Him. I take my own way instead of His.
I'm scared of the world. I hide away from it. Rarely open my mouth to voice my opinion.
I judge first far too often. I hold grudges. I'm slow to forgive.
Am I prepared? No. No I'm not.
Luckily that's not the end of the story. It never is. See, what I neglected to mention earlier in this post is what I do immediately prior to any performance, test, important and "unimportant" conversation, moment of self-reflection, or time spent with God.
I pray. After I've studied as hard as I possibly can on my own, I set aside the note cards, close the notebooks, and bow my head. I ask for pertinent information to be brought to my mind. I ask to be able to represent God in my words, answers, and grades.
After a botched rehearsal but before the performance I clear all thoughts of my own ability and my own inadequacy from my mind. I turn my focus from the notes to the message and plead with God to use my music to spread His message, not mine, to whomever He thinks needs it.
After running through 27+ different conversation possibilities in my head, I fold my arms and ask that I am able to spread God's love through my interaction.
And before I spend dedicated time with God I pray that He will help me let go of my anger, my pride, and my need to be right and accept His gentle guidance.
In every situation I ask to achieve the higher good.
Then I choose to accept each mistake, each wrong answer, each uncomfortable interaction, and each struggle with my humanness as a part of His plan for mine and others divine growth. Only then am I prepared. And I truly am prepared. I might not always feel like it. Most of the time I still don't. But at the end of the day I can look back through a series of performances, tests, and opportunities and say with absolute certainty that I could not have done anything more or less than I did. And whatever I could not do, God did. I am prepared to believe that.
"...if ye are prepared ye shall not fear." - D&C 38:30
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