Don't Take This Mirror Seriously

What have I done?.

I stared at myself in the mirror of the bathroom at work--face to face with the consequences of my actions.

A thirty second whim had taken flight, and after 45 minutes of my sister's best hair cutting techniques (which I am grateful for), I stood with a head liberated from the weight of 8, possibly 10 inches of hair. The resulting lightheadedness, combined with the exhilarating feeling of a plan rapidly executed, left me little time to truly think about the implications of my new haircut. That was, until I found myself once again grounded in the reality of every day life at work, interacting with people, and glimpsing myself in fleeting reflections of car mirrors, computer screens, and the mirror in the bathroom. 

I'd been washing my hands, contemplating the latest success in my workload when I'd glanced up and looked-really looked- at myself in the mirror. In an instant, all my imperfections (I hate that word) jumped out at me. 

So, in true Esther fashion, I'll point them all out to you ;) The scars on my chin from childhood rashes, sores, and pimples that left a circular spot on my face, never to be whole and smooth again. The freckles dashing across my nose, that for some reason, are not uniformly sized nor consistently shaped, which is something I've never understood. And the plump and full (which are just nicer words for chubby) cheeks that I'd always tried to downplay, always tried to ignore because if I looked at myself just right ("right" being any way I looked at myself) I looked like I was still 9 years old. And all of these flaws were accentuated in that moment because my hair, which had been long, luxurious, and highly distracting was now short and doing a bang-up job of showing off just how chubby my cheeks were and doing nothing to distract from the scars on my face. How had I ever thought short hair looked good on me? How, in the joy of light hair dancing around my head, had I missed the apparent fact that I'd just chopped the one feature that made me look presentable? What had I done?

Thoroughly demoralized by this time, I shut off the running water and reached over for a towel to dry my hands. As I did, I glanced once more at my reflection and suddenly remembered something that I'd told myself many times before. Something I'd reminded myself of repeatedly back when my hair had been long and sleek. I remembered that under no circumstances whatsoever was I to trust the mirror in the bathroom at work. It lied. It had always lied. I'm pretty sure it will always lie. It's not really the mirror's fault, it's the lighting, and the setup, and the way fluorescent lights always make my face look pale and my scars stand out. I'd discovered three years earlier that there were some mirrors that made me look amazing, and others that seemed to focus my eyes on my problems. I'd even done a test and compared two mirrors almost side by side: I'd looked at myself in the bathroom mirror right before leaving work, and then compared that image to what I saw in another mirror five minutes later. The difference was stark and the message clear: I could not ever take the work mirror seriously.

Over the years I've learned which mirrors I can trust, and which I cannot. My bathroom mirror, for example. I've given up looking in that mirror to judge my appearance because it never works. Certain mirrors, specific lighting setups and situations block the truth and whatever I see in those mirrors is not an accurate reflection. Whatever I see in those mirrors is not what I really am. 

But the mirror at the end of the hallway upstairs is amazing. Whenever I look in that mirror I remember what the fun, lighthearted, laughing individual I really am actually looks like. In the mirror at the end of the hall I get a true vision of how the good inside is reflected in my appearance. I see the beauty and the blemish as one glorious, complete Esther. When I glimpse my reflection in that mirror, I always catch myself in the middle of a laugh, a conversation, a crazy face, or about to say "I love you" to my family. And I always love what I see. Esther in the bathroom at work is an Esther ready to judge and criticize every flaw, to see herself in the "fluorescent" light. Esther in the hallway at home is the Esther seen in the divine love and light that brings beauty to everything. 

Knowing that I don't have to trust the fluorescent lights is freeing in and of itself. But applies to more than my appearance. Today I realized that there are certain situations, certain people, specific "lights" that prevent me from seeing the truth. The reflection I see when I am with the wrong people is unpleasant, confusing, and often demoralizing. When I'm surrounded by "florescent" situations, I find myself so lost and upside down that I just don't know which way to turn. I start questioning everything, doubting everything, and especially, doubting myself. 

But at other times, I feel I have perfect clarity. I feel like I know exactly what is good, what is right, and what is divine. My course, if not perfectly laid out, at least feels stable and trustworthy. 

What makes the difference? My best guess right now is that some things must be approached the same way I approach the bathroom mirror at work. Some people and specific situations just can't be taken seriously. I can still learn a lot from those people, just like I've learned a lot about myself from looking in the mirror at work. But if I'm looking for a pure reflection, if I'm hoping to see the whole picture, I'll need to find the people, the situations, the lighting that accurately reflects Esther in all her imperfect glory. Only then will what I see around me reflect all that is inside of me.

What have I done? I've changed the lighting. I can't change the fact that my hair is now short, nor do I want to. And I can't change the fact that I really do look terrible in the lighting at work. I can't always change the people or the situations around me. But I don't have to take those "mirrors" seriously. If I'm lost and confused I can find the light that reflects truth. If I'm convinced my scars are... well... signs of past mistakes, signs that I am incomplete, then I find the reflection that makes me whole. 

The same picture, the same person, in two different lights looks completely different. So be aware of the lighting. Take care what mirror you're looking in. Discern which mirrors you can trust, and which ones you need to ignore. Not all reflections are equal. Not all mirrors are accurate. Not everyone tells the truth.

Find the ones who do.