Believe You Can Believe

"You have got to believe you can. I cannot stress the importance of that faith enough. There is nothing more damning, stagnant, or exhausting than believing you can't do something. That's it! Fear is exhausting. Doubt is draining. Disbelief is damning."

Yet, it is so easy to disbelieve. It seems so natural to doubt. Does life exist outside of exhaustion?

I've spent this entire week afraid, full of doubt and disbelief for two reasons. The first has to do with a party my sister and I are planning. I can say I've thought about the party and the guest list from just about every angle, except the one that is relaxed and fun. The other has to do with two tests that are coming up in school. For some reason I feel extraordinarily unprepared for these tests even though I've done a consistent amount of studying and know the material well. What's even more ridiculous is that I've started stressing about one of the tests 4 weeks early! What am I doing to myself?

It came to a head tonight when the grade in one of my classes dropped to a 98.57% because of a 96% grade on one of my assignments. Roll your eyes all you want. I actually do realize how ridiculous it is to have a breakdown because of a still fantastic grade. To be honest, it wasn't the drop in grade that bothered me as much as the feeling that this was a sign I was going to fail my upcoming test. I've lived in fear of that reality for the last 5 days and suddenly it came true in a small way. The few moments after I learned about my grade I suddenly realized how worn out I am from worrying. Every morning I've found it difficult to get up because I had to go study for the exams I was sure I was going to fail. I sank back into a cycle of not wanting to sleep because I'd wake up the next day and have to get up. 

Something I realized in retrospect is how the doubt infiltrated every part of my life. Not in a really conscious way, but I started wondering about my ability to do almost everything. The fear about a failed party led me to dread almost every social interaction from now until the end of the party. I also started wondering if I'd made a mistake in trying to revive an old friendship, or build a new one. Then I was afraid I messed up on key work orders that I'd double checked repeatedly. I think it's common to believe that even if you doubt your ability in one area you're still able to maintain your confidence in other areas. But doubt has a way of draining every area of your life into one consuming, never-ending whole. 

 For example, I've never had much faith in my ability to be social, carry on conversations, or communicate well with others. Throwing a part intensified those doubts. I was expecting that. What I wasn't expecting was how that doubt would affect my school life. I began doubting my ability to succeed in school. Tonight I started wondering if my professor gave me a lower grade because of her personal response to an email I'd sent her a couple weeks ago. She'd always been super friendly, but maybe I'd said something wrong and it had skewed the way she'd grade. Writing this out it seems like such twisted logic, but I believed it for a second (possibly more than a second).

Which takes me to my last statement - disbelief is damning. This one hit me the hardest when I wrote it. I thought that not believing in myself was similar to encouraging myself to work harder. If I fear enough I'll do more and be more prepared. Please tell me you've thought this before, I don't want it to just be me. But, in the last week, I've become less and less motivated to study for my exams. Preparing brought me no joy. Historically, I've loved preparing for art history exams because I get to talk to myself, and sometimes to others, about the fun stuff I'm learning. This week I was engaged in dreary repetition. 

I didn't believe I could understand my statistics, and it took me significantly longer than usual to catch onto and remember the concepts. I also had less motivation to devote my mental energy to learning and would frequently get distracted. In other words, I stagnated.

I'm currently stuck at a mental, foggy crossroad. I want to begin believing again, but I'm still harboring a fear that I'll fail. The question is, how am I going to get rid of that fear? I'm not sure it will happen all at once. It's partially the fear of the unknown - you never know what to expect of an exam until you take it. But maybe a good first step is to start re-believing that studying for this exam is a good use of time. If I take the expectation off of the test, and just think about the time spent, is it really worth the time it will take? The only way to answer this is to ask myself what I'd be doing if I weren't studying. The answer? Definitely something less worthwhile. So, that's where I'm going to start. I'm going to wake up tomorrow with the belief that I'll spend some worthy time reviewing art history concepts. 

It is easy to doubt. If it were easy and natural to believe we would be living in a very different world today. If it were easy to trust ourselves and to act with confidence, we certainly would. But since it's easy and natural to doubt ourselves and fear failure, that's what we do. That means that the real pursuit in life is to believe that we can do and be anything we desire to be. Or, even just to believe that we can believe that we can do anything. You can start anywhere, but start today. Believe you can believe. 

It takes time. It takes effort. It takes thought. It takes intention. But, believe it is a worthwhile use of your time, your effort, your thought, and your intention. And just like that, you're on your way.