What Could Happen?

This morning I stood on the brink of a decision. A decision that made me nervous. Not because it was anything scary...well not exactly. In my life I'm pretty sure the thing of which I am most afraid is appearing foolish. Or being misunderstood. It's a toss-up between those two. 

A side note for a moment. I realized recently that in attempting to avoid looking foolish I probably look more foolish. Same with my fear of being misunderstood. Somehow my attempts to be completely understood get all mixed up. I think it has something to do with the fear. And this side note is longer than I thought it would be, but bear with me. I've noticed that when I'm afraid of being foolish or misunderstood I tense up. And then nothing flows easily. When nothing flows easily words, actions, and facial expressions become choppy and odd looking. And when I try to be understood I'll start thinking about things from every angle and then say the utterly wrong thing. When, if I'd just relaxed and let the words, actions, and expressions come I would have been viewed, not as a foolish person, but as an authentic person. Just something to ponder. 

Now, back on the original track. My decision. It was a decision to put myself out into the world. A decision to possibly build a friendship. All I had to do was be willing to be rejected. And it seemed like a good idea when I thought it up, but as soon as I had the words all written up and ready to send I started second guessing. That's a classic Esther move. I run through my brain all the reasons why this was a good idea, then I'll think about the reasons why it might be a poor idea. And then, I ask myself: what's the worst thing that could happen?

That's the really question. What's the worst thing that could happen if I send this message? There are a lot of answers to that question - I guess it just depends what you're afraid of. I had a friend who would always ask this question and then say, "Death? That might be the worst thing that could happen, but it's really not that bad. I just get to go hang out with the angels." Well, if death's not the worst thing that could happen, what is? Maybe it would be rejection. Someone saying "no" to your efforts. But the more I thought about that it didn't seem like the worst thing. If they said no it automatically saved me a lot of trouble. I'd know right away that it was time to move my energy into something else. So, perhaps the worst thing that could happen is if they said "yes" because then I'd actually have to work at building the friendship (and as my brother's been discovering this week, relationships are sometimes ridiculously hard). Yet, if acceptance was the worst thing that could happen, then I wouldn't have thought about sending the message in the first place.  

So, less than a minute after asking myself that question, I'd run out of answers. If neither death, nor rejection, nor acceptance were the worst things that could happen, was there in fact a "worst thing"?

No. And yes. But mostly no. Or maybe yes? 

I think it depends. On the situation, on who you are, and on where you're trying to go with life. Today I realized that the worst thing that could happen would happen if I did not send that message. I would wonder forever if I'd lost the chance to make a lasting friendship just because I was afraid of looking foolish. The regret of a missed opportunity would be the worst thing I could imagine. 

Think of it this way. You already know what it's like to be where you're at right now with the friends you have, the career you've chosen, the life you have planned. You know what that's like. If you say "no" to opportunity I can guarantee that you'll end up exactly where you already are. And that's not such a bad place. But all the adventure, all the surprise, all the unexpected moments are found when you say "yes" to something that scares you. 

I have so many examples of this. When I say "no" to things in my day to day life, my life loses luster. It happened this week. I turned down opportunities and then wondered why my life was so dull. I have my less than genius moments ;) What's crazy is that just a little bit of accepted possibility can change you're life a crazy amount. For example, trying a new food, asking your friend an odd question, reading a new type of book, trying out a new activity, or even just using a new word in an everyday sentence. I'm not sure exactly how, but all of that brings a certain spice to life. And a little goes a long way. 

Maybe the better question for me to ask is "what could happen?" I could make a friend, or not. I could die (though I doubt that ;). With those options laid out I already know exactly what I wan't to make happen. There's only one option that lets me move forward, make a change, and become someone new. Only one route lets me change and move forward into becoming someone new. Whatever does happen, I've opened the door to possibility.