Red Light. Green Light.

I've had the title, the idea, and the main point behind this post for months. I've wanted to share this idea almost since I discovered it. But every time I tried to write it, I didn't feel it was ready. Or maybe I didn't feel I was ready? 

But something happened this week, and now I know the timing is right. This isn't the sort of theory that really needed testing. Yet, tested it has been. It is a theory that forms the foundation of my beliefs and my peace, yet events surrounding it, testing it, and proving it have shaken me to my core. But let's start back many weeks ago when I was first trying to put this theory in words.

"I've decided that this time I'm not crazy, I'm quaint. What's the difference? Nothing really, I was just in the mood for a new word. 

I spend at least 40 minutes in my car every day, it is one of my favorite places to be. My car is the place where I do most of my thinking. It's where most of my creative art ideas are born. It's where I write a lot of my poetry. My car is where I sing at the top of my lungs. And it's where I pray. So it's natural that a lot of my ideas stem from the things I experience in my car. The things I run into the most when I'm on the road (figuratively, not literally!) are traffic lights. And I have a philosophy about traffic lights. 

Years ago, when I had recently graduated to sitting in the front passenger seat of my mom's car, I remember having a conversation about traffic lights. She told me about a paper she'd been reading about someone who believed that angels surround each of us, waiting to help us with anything we ask. The author of the paper decided to give the angels something to do and one day called on the "light angels" to give her green lights at every intersection on the road. She said she'd never had an unwanted red light since. My mom and I thought this was pretty interesting, so we started putting it to the test. We would talk to the "light angels" as I call them, and the "traffic angels" as my mom calls them. If we were ever in a hurry to get somewhere, I would ask the angels to guide the traffic lights. And whenever my mom has to make a left turn she asks the angels to "part the traffic" and let her through. When I started driving I continued the tradition. Especially when I was running late. And when I was 17, I was running late a lot.

Then, one day, I needed a red light. I can’t remember why I needed the light ahead to turn red, I think something in my car had fallen over and I needed to right it. I asked the light angels for that red light, and I got it. But it also changed my perspective about the light angels. 

When I know I need a specific traffic outcome I’ll ask the angels and generally receive. But what about the times when I don’t know what I need? Or what if I know what I think I need, but I actually needed something else? What if I wanted something that I shouldn’t want because it could be harmful? What then?

I remember driving one day, pondering the traffic lights and the light angels, and realizing that I have an overwhelmingly powerful belief that everything, absolutely everything that occurs in my life is a blessing. It’s really hard to explain how strongly this conviction is rooted inside me. I hadn’t consciously recognized it before, but I think I’ve always had this quiet, unbreakable confidence in the divinity guiding my life. Even as I write this, I realize that the words I know cannot begin to communicate the sense of knowing and peace that accompanies this belief. In the area of light angels, whenever I got a light that wasn't what I had requested, I started to wonder why. What danger had they protected me from by refusing the light I thought I wanted? Of course, this theory expanded. When I would take tests in school and receive scores that weren't what I desired, I would question, what did the testing angels want for me when they let me miss that question? When a night out, a visit with friends, or a date didn't happen, instead of believing God was working against me I would wonder what I needed to discover and learn from the disappointment. Of course, it's likely that I'll never know the full reason in this life, but many times I can speculate and find some reasoning, learn some lesson, or discover some truth that will make me grateful for the times the angels let me fail."

And then there are the times when the answers - speculated or inspired - are not clear. When the result of the red light/green light question is not only confusing, but traumatic, painful, and costly. 

I crashed. I crashed hard. And what's really ironic, as I'm writing this, is that it was all because of red light/green light confusion. Lost in my world of thoughts I didn't see the light turn red, and without warning, without any premonition that I might be in danger, I crashed into a car that was turning left while going through it's now green light. In the few seconds before the crash, right after I'd realized there was nothing I could do to avoid the accident, I felt incredible peace. The knowing that this too was divinely directed. The words from a book I'd read that morning entered my head, "It will be all right." 

I walked away from that crash with mild whiplash, mild burns, and mild bruising. The other driver, also walked away even though the full force of my car hit his driver side door. The last few days have been dreadful. I've felt the whole run of emotions from incredible relief to extreme guilt, embarrassment, shame, anger, frustration, depression, disappointment, confusion, and on and on. I've felt like a criminal and a sinner. I've been down to the depths where I felt that nothing good could come from this.

But through it all I have not for a moment doubted that the same angels that have guided the red and green lights of my life every day for years, were also guiding the red and green lights that day. What I don't understand is why God let this happen. What I do understand is that God knew something good would come if it did happen. 

Where does that leave me? With a mess to clean up. A life to thank the Lord for. A hope that I'll one day understand the purpose. Forgiveness for myself. Gratitude for the angels. And peace to hold onto through it all.