What if I Hadn't? or Finding the Cosmos

Over the last few weeks I've been asking myself a question. The end of the question is always different, but the question is still the same. I've found myself wondering - what if I hadn't... and then I fill in the ending. A couple weeks ago I asked, what if I hadn't gone walking on this side of the street? Or, what if I hadn't taken this route to work? What if I hadn't called my friend on Monday? What if I hadn't gone to the craft store on Wednesday? Question after question in situation after situation I asked myself how things would have turned out if I hadn't acted the way I did. 

See, I'm a pretty big "what if" thinker. There are three instances in my life I can't seem to move on from because whenever I remember them I question, "what if I'd done this, or that? What if I'd said something different? What if I'd done something better? When I question "what if" it's generally to look at myself and analyze what I've done wrong, and then try to come up with some fictional, mental image of what I could or should have done better. And it's because I'm so used to "what if" thinking, that I was very surprised by the "what if I hadn't" train of thought. 

I don’t know about you, but for me, "what if I hadn't" is a vastly different question. Like the day I went walking and decided to take the long route to my destination. It didn't seem like a big deal until I found a quarter on the ground on my way home. Why? Because I'd been walking on the opposite side of the street than I would have if I'd taken my usual route. Or perhaps you'd like to think about the day I took a different route to work, and inadvertently managed to avoid the traffic of a car accident. Perhaps consider when I called my friend at the perfect moment to gather information about another friend who needed help. Or the Wednesday I went to the craft store and found the items I needed on a spectacular sale. So, what if I hadn't done those things? What if I hadn't taken the opposite way home? I wouldn't have found that quarter. What if I hadn't taken a different route to work? I would have landed myself in traffic, and my mental state that day wasn't made for driving in traffic. If I hadn't called my friend... well lets just say she needed help that day. And the craft store? I was seriously about to drive by that store on my way home from a long work day. What if I hadn't gone in? 

:)

But the biggest thing that makes me wonder what would have happened if I hadn't... occurred this week. It was a pretty regular work day, except that nothing seemed to be going right. I'd committed to help a customer with artwork for a set price, but as soon as I got a copy of the design I knew I hadn't charged enough to cover the time and energy required. My determination to work as quickly and efficiently as possible was ruined by my boss who sat down at my desk and proceeded to provide me with an endless stream of ideas and advice about the design. Now, I try to be reasonable and understanding, but I do have difficulty working while other people are watching me. The design and creative process feels really messy in my head, and I don't like it when other people can see my brain failing to find a solution. And it's very easy see that I don’t know what I’m doing when you're watching the backtracks and awful designs I come up with along the way. Let's just say I wasn't in the greatest of moods that day. Not only was my boss offering a new, time consuming suggestion at every click of the mouse (and I move my mouse quickly when I'm working), but I was also caught in my desire to create something wonderful for the customer while not costing too much money, and I was somehow trying to deal with my own feelings of inadequacy and failure. I finally grasped an idea I was willing to try, so I started playing with different textures in the design. As usual, it wasn't looking good. It never really does at first. I heaved a huge sigh and in one last effort, switched the color of the texture I was working with. All of the sudden, just like magic, the design came together. How? I really don't know. When I consider all the right turns I had to make that day to reach that moment, it's almost scary.

Truth be told, in that moment I was relieved, happy... and terrified. I'd made something I knew the customer was going to love - I loved it. And I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if I hadn't done that? I can imagine and what I imagine makes me nervous. Had I not worked the design just like I did, the customer would have ended up with a design that didn't look half so good, that wouldn't have printed well, and would have left everyone involved a little unfulfilled.

What's really terrifying, is that I wouldn't have known any other way. In every situation, I wouldn't have known any better. I couldn't have known about that quarter on the ground had I not crossed the street when I did. I couldn't have known my friend needed help unless I'd called. I couldn't have known what an amazing design I could have made, unless I'd made it. So what if I hadn't? What if there have been other customers and other designs when I've done something less than my best, and just didn't know it? What if there have been other pennies and dimes on the ground that escaped my notice because I wasn't walking in the right place? These are the types of "what if" questions that eat me up.

The thing I find really interesting is that even as I started wondering about all the things I might have been able to do, or might have done if... I realized I was so grateful for the things I had done. It's not so much about the question, "what if I hadn't" as it is about realizing, "Look! I did!" I did cross the street and find a quarter. I did call my friend and help her out. I did go to the craft store and save money. I did make an amazing design. 

And the other really cool thing to recognize, is that it wasn't just me. When I look back at the things I accomplished successfully I realize that every victory is accompanied by a series of unexplainable events. I was walking to the right place at the right time in the right way to find that quarter. I went through the perfect, albeit slightly abnormal, process to create my design. It's experiences like these, one after another that remind me how guided I really am. It's just simple, stupid stuff, but it's important to the people it affects. 

I'm sure there will be many moments in my future that I wish I could change. Many days I look back and wonder "what if". I just hope that I can also remember that when it really counts, when it truly matters, I did. I had. And I would keep doing whatever I could to make small little miracles unfold. 

Oh, and if you'd like to ponder another unexplainable event. The day I created that "perfect" design, I emailed the customer and let her know I'd "stumbled upon the cosmos." What I find amazing is that the cosmos doesn't just mean stars... it means order. And harmony. And things working together. I just thought that was interesting...