Disappearing Daughter

One year to the day from when I first published this post, I've decided to republish it. Ironically, this post did disappear from the web within 48 hours of being published because a year ago, I still felt too much like the Disappearing Daughter to risk being seen. However, I reread this recently and realized that this post really does hold some gems. So today I publish this for all those individuals who might have felt like they were invisible. It might be hard, but there is a way to change the script. You can be both safe and visible. - Love, the Reappearing Daughter :)

"I've thought long and hard about sharing this poem. It's got a hint of misery and pain. But I am a poet. A creator. An artist. And I'm realizing that I cannot hide the ugly - it's part of the creation. You wouldn't have Esther without the Disappearing Daughter. So here's a glimpse inside Esther's hidden mind. 

I do have one request. As you're reading this poem, I want you to realize that every word is absolutely true and also absolutely false. I've started to realize how extraordinarily multi-faceted every individual is, and as part of that discovery I've recognized that we are constantly changing. You will never be the same person you were a year, a month, or even a minute ago - and that's okay. But it does mean that not everything is as it seems and that sometimes we seem extremely hypocritical. 

So as you read this, please accept and understand what is true today, and disregard what is not. And, if tomorrow something seems less true, then ignore it. There are times when I see that in reality I am not invisible. And yet, some part of me still feels unseen. There are days when the confident side of me loses confidence and in those moments I find it vital to recognize the little girl who felt like she vanished in plain sight. I dare not reject that little girl. She taught me so much about standing up and speaking out. Instead, I choose to recognize her, bring her out into the open, and show that there's so much more to me than meets the eye. 

Disappearing Daughter

From a young age forgotten.

And often ignored. 

Not by willful intention,

necessity forged.

At times very useful -

evasion technique. 

Frequently a burden -

loneliness link.

Try hard to be seen.

Speak up. Show up.

Too hard - labelled feisty.

Shut up. Give up.

Living her life unsatisfied.

Unheard and alone,

can't just say she tried.

Get up and work on.

Almost ever-present.

Somehow unseen.

Not silent. Not heard.

Stuck in between.

Entrusted with secrets. 

Hard burdens to bear.

A mem'ry unfailing. 

A curse. It's unfair. 

Worrying for everyone

she watches and waits.

Like clockwork they come 

almost ready to break. 

Listening closely

she speaks calming words.

They leave never knowing 

the weight that's now hers.

Disappearing Daughter.

Always fluctuating.

Here and then not.

Visible. Fading.

Disappearing Daughter. 

Unused to being seen. 

She'll try, and then fade

unnoticeably. 

Disappearing.

Reappearing. 

Disappearing.

Daughter.

I wrote this poem and then found that it didn't fully express the emotion. The following are what they seem: Thoughts from the Mind of a Disappearing Daughter.

I know things about people. Things they don't think I know, or don't remember telling me. How? That curse of a memory that many call a blessing. In everything there is a blessed side and a troubled side. This is no different. Trust me, it doesn't take much effort to fade into the background of your conversation where I hear volumes, say nothing, and remember everything. This is advantageous if I want to make you feel remembered. But it's not so nice when you're expected to have inside information and, shockingly, the answers to other's problems. In other words, it's hard for the disappearing daughter to reappear.

Greater knowledge doesn't equal greater wisdom. Knowing so much about so many doesn't mean I know how to respond, it means I second guess everything. So often I see when something's not working, but I don't know how to solve the problem. And nobody likes to be told when something's not working. Let's talk about when the reappearing daughter tries to become completely visible. It rarely goes over well. She takes up more space when she's visible. Instead of a mess organizer she's a mess creator. And judged or questioned from coming out of her usual place. Called feisty, sassy, bossy, or inconsiderate. Are these true assessments? More assertive (feisty), more sarcastic (or just more vocal about it), more demanding (somehow this seems like an obvious result of reappearing), more self-centered (inconsiderate). Short-tempered? Probably just tired of holding back secrets. 

But one can only take so much of visibility in a world not used to seeing the disappearing daughter. She'll quickly fade back to unnoticeability - determined to think thrice before showing up again."