Of Doubt and Confidence
Last year I started writing a post based on the prompt "rarely confident, never doubting". The idea, that I never finished, was that in most situations although I'd rarely been 100% certain about my direction, I'd never doubted that whatever idea, inspiration, or imagination came into my head, as long as I'd act on it, would work out. I didn't have full confidence in myself, but I did have complete confidence in a God who would make my failings work for good.
That was then. In recent months, in fact, most of this year, I've been struggling with the balance between doubt and confidence. My mom used to talk about being unable to trust her heavenly connection, and I'd never understood because for me, heaven, angels, and accurate inspiration were constants. Today I sit and recognize the detrimental hold doubt can have on a soul.
Somewhere inside of my mind I still know that divine power can cover my inadequacies. However, the faith filled, hope based trust that I had has faded. My Esther-like optimism dwindled and I've found it difficult and nearly impossible to find the good in each situation. I stopped believing that whatever I wrote would be enough. I would have a thought almost ready to share with someone else, but I would hold myself back with the idea that perhaps I would use the wrong words or voice inflection. If it has to be perfect, I won't do it... and usually that means I accept and embrace the typos, disjointed sentences, or strange facial expressions. Alas, recently I felt that if I failed in any way I could harm someone else by doing something wrong. My faith that God could make it right was intact, but my belief that He would make it right for me was gone.
I'm not totally sure why this struggle with confidence occurred now. I'm not even sure I could pinpoint where it began. Maybe it was a relationship that did not go the way I wanted. Hard as I've tried, I still haven't come to resolution and peace with myself about the choices I made in that relationship. Maybe it was the way I worked and dreamed, only to watch as world events slowly took those dreams away. Or maybe, it was just time for me to understand what it's like to lose faith in myself and my relationship with God.
This may be the most melancholy post you read from me. I find it impossible to rebound with my usual wit or wry humor. And today when I post this, I will be doing it with a blind hope that I can be made enough for the reader. I guarantee that you are reading this because I ignored every doubt and thought that was telling me to let this week slide by unwritten.
But this post is not about my lost hope. In fact, this post is a symbol of my hope. I can't see the finish line. I can barely see two steps in front of me. Every step is a struggle right now. I find it hard to write, can't seem to form coherent ideas or thoughts, and find myself questioning every decision I make. But I've kept moving forward in the areas that seem to matter. I've pushed through the struggle to the best of my ability. It still hasn't gotten easier, but this past weekend I was reminded that there is a bright day outside of my gloom.
I've spent the past week writing a psychology paper without being able to think ahead. It is incredibly difficult to write a cohesive paper when you don't know where you're going or what you're trying to say. I wrote the paper by jumbling words together and then replacing and rewriting the sentences word by word until I discovered what I was trying to say. This is a far cry from my usual flow of thought and was absolutely discouraging in the moment. On Friday night I realized that my thesis statement needed work, but I didn't know what to do with it. I prayed for help to have the answer ready for me to discover when I revisited the paper on Saturday. Based on the previous week I expected I would spend an hour in an uphill battle trying to rewrite that thesis statement. When I opened the file to reread the paper on Saturday, I discovered that I already had the foundation I needed for that thesis statement. All I needed to do was delete one sentence and the paper stood on its own. I deleted that sentence, looked at my mom, and said, "The Lord is so good!"
And He is. He really, really is. Maybe right now I'm in a fight for confidence. Perhaps I find myself surrounded by doubt. All that means is that I have the opportunity to rely on Him with a little more faith. I used to catch glimpses of my destination long before I arrived, and now I don't know where I'm going until I take that step and see the glory of life, of God, and of hope around me. Right now the next direction in my life is hidden. I stand in a clearing with seemingly limitless choices before me. I can't see where I'm going. I have so many questions. I have no idea which way to go next. So I'm counting on the fact that my God has always made up the difference in the past. I'm going to take a step. I anticipate it will be terrifying. I guarantee there will be uncomfortable, un-peaceful moments. I'll probably lose motivation more often than I'd like. Oh well. The truth is that messed up relationships, misguided choices, doubt-filled worries and all, I am a really amazing person. I am incredibly loved. I live in partnership with a loving God who has never left me and will never leave me. I look forward to the day when confidence comes easily again. Until then, I choose not to let doubt run my life.
That was then. In recent months, in fact, most of this year, I've been struggling with the balance between doubt and confidence. My mom used to talk about being unable to trust her heavenly connection, and I'd never understood because for me, heaven, angels, and accurate inspiration were constants. Today I sit and recognize the detrimental hold doubt can have on a soul.
I'm not totally sure why this struggle with confidence occurred now. I'm not even sure I could pinpoint where it began. Maybe it was a relationship that did not go the way I wanted. Hard as I've tried, I still haven't come to resolution and peace with myself about the choices I made in that relationship. Maybe it was the way I worked and dreamed, only to watch as world events slowly took those dreams away. Or maybe, it was just time for me to understand what it's like to lose faith in myself and my relationship with God.
This may be the most melancholy post you read from me. I find it impossible to rebound with my usual wit or wry humor. And today when I post this, I will be doing it with a blind hope that I can be made enough for the reader. I guarantee that you are reading this because I ignored every doubt and thought that was telling me to let this week slide by unwritten.
But this post is not about my lost hope. In fact, this post is a symbol of my hope. I can't see the finish line. I can barely see two steps in front of me. Every step is a struggle right now. I find it hard to write, can't seem to form coherent ideas or thoughts, and find myself questioning every decision I make. But I've kept moving forward in the areas that seem to matter. I've pushed through the struggle to the best of my ability. It still hasn't gotten easier, but this past weekend I was reminded that there is a bright day outside of my gloom.
I've spent the past week writing a psychology paper without being able to think ahead. It is incredibly difficult to write a cohesive paper when you don't know where you're going or what you're trying to say. I wrote the paper by jumbling words together and then replacing and rewriting the sentences word by word until I discovered what I was trying to say. This is a far cry from my usual flow of thought and was absolutely discouraging in the moment. On Friday night I realized that my thesis statement needed work, but I didn't know what to do with it. I prayed for help to have the answer ready for me to discover when I revisited the paper on Saturday. Based on the previous week I expected I would spend an hour in an uphill battle trying to rewrite that thesis statement. When I opened the file to reread the paper on Saturday, I discovered that I already had the foundation I needed for that thesis statement. All I needed to do was delete one sentence and the paper stood on its own. I deleted that sentence, looked at my mom, and said, "The Lord is so good!"
And He is. He really, really is. Maybe right now I'm in a fight for confidence. Perhaps I find myself surrounded by doubt. All that means is that I have the opportunity to rely on Him with a little more faith. I used to catch glimpses of my destination long before I arrived, and now I don't know where I'm going until I take that step and see the glory of life, of God, and of hope around me. Right now the next direction in my life is hidden. I stand in a clearing with seemingly limitless choices before me. I can't see where I'm going. I have so many questions. I have no idea which way to go next. So I'm counting on the fact that my God has always made up the difference in the past. I'm going to take a step. I anticipate it will be terrifying. I guarantee there will be uncomfortable, un-peaceful moments. I'll probably lose motivation more often than I'd like. Oh well. The truth is that messed up relationships, misguided choices, doubt-filled worries and all, I am a really amazing person. I am incredibly loved. I live in partnership with a loving God who has never left me and will never leave me. I look forward to the day when confidence comes easily again. Until then, I choose not to let doubt run my life.
Comments
Post a Comment