Yes! It Matters!
In recent weeks there have been a lot of changes and a lot of uncertainty. When faced with uncertainty I tend to question of I'm doing alright. Reading through the history of posts on this blog, this is not the first time I've wondered if I'm preparing right, living right, and doing something worthwhile with my time. It also probably won't be the last time I question my life direction. The words I used in my journal today describe the emotion perfectly.
"I'm beginning to wonder if waking up and doing it all over again, just with different information, really matters. Of course, if it doesn't matter, why do it? And if I don't do it, what do I do that does matter? And what does it matter for? Do I have a goal, or am I simply working to work, discovering to discover, and somehow 'mattering' along the way?"
See, one problem in life is that we generally don't see the blessings that result because of our actions. We see only the mundane, repeated aspects of our lives. I wake up every weekday, study for self-designated amounts of time, work on art projects that involve performing the same action 100's of times, feed animals who always get hungry again, talk with my family and realize that my problems are pretty consistent from day to day, and then go to bed at night with the alarm set to get me up to do it again. Did I make a difference? I just lived my life. I broke a couple art projects, wrote a few pages of a psychology paper that might be read by 3 people, pulled out some dead plants to prep for new growth, and maybe wrote down some thoughts that a few people might read.
I don't think we can accurately determine our self-worth. According to my psychology professor, who we are is visible only in relation to others. We learn the most about who we are by observing our relationships. But there's no way to objectively measure relationships, and what would you be measuring about those relationships? From our viewpoint, we are just us. And we generally don't have the most objective perspective of ourselves. We tend to obsess over our faults and idealize our successes.
So when I'm trying to discover if I matter, I'd better define who I'm trying to matter to. If I wonder if I matter to my family, I can't actually answer that but I already know answer. I definitely matter to my family. If I'm wondering if I matter to my friends, well I can't answer that either, but I know that answer as well. Of course I matter to them. Of course what I do matters to them. It could be that I matter because what I do is inspiring, maybe watching me is motivation, or maybe watching me is some form of comfort that if Esther's a fine person even if she does ____, then maybe I'm okay too. Maybe I'm wondering if I matter to Christ or God. Well, we know the answer to that too.
If I already know that I matter to all of the people in my life, then I think the real question is - do I matter to myself? This is the only question I can answer. I think in the past I would have looked within myself to find this answer as if somehow there were two parts of me disagreeing about my importance. Is my mind separated from my heart? Does my heart think I matter while my mind thinks I don't? Ridiculous as that sounds, it is a viable possibility in which case I recommend emotional work with some love and forgiveness. However, if my mind and heart are together then if I matter to one part of me, I have to matter to all of me. If the answer doesn't come from inside, then how do I know if I matter?
I matter to myself because I care about building relationships that build up, bring me an opportunity for growth, and push me to keep on moving. I matter because I care about being a motivational, inspirational, or comforting influence. I matter because the way I choose to treat others reflects the way I treat life, myself, and my circumstances. If my family matters to me, then I matter to myself. Thus, by extension, what I do must matter. Why do psychology papers about insomnia matter? Because my mom matters and I began the paper searching for answers for her sleep issues. It doesn't matter if she doesn't read the paper, she'll still get all the information that I think matters to her. Why to crazy art projects matter? Because sharing my perspective of the world with those around me is important. It makes them think, or pause, or reflect, and very often laugh. That matters. So yes, getting up every day matters. I might not always see it or believe it, but if I look at those around me and the real reasons why I do the things I do, it matters.
"I'm beginning to wonder if waking up and doing it all over again, just with different information, really matters. Of course, if it doesn't matter, why do it? And if I don't do it, what do I do that does matter? And what does it matter for? Do I have a goal, or am I simply working to work, discovering to discover, and somehow 'mattering' along the way?"
See, one problem in life is that we generally don't see the blessings that result because of our actions. We see only the mundane, repeated aspects of our lives. I wake up every weekday, study for self-designated amounts of time, work on art projects that involve performing the same action 100's of times, feed animals who always get hungry again, talk with my family and realize that my problems are pretty consistent from day to day, and then go to bed at night with the alarm set to get me up to do it again. Did I make a difference? I just lived my life. I broke a couple art projects, wrote a few pages of a psychology paper that might be read by 3 people, pulled out some dead plants to prep for new growth, and maybe wrote down some thoughts that a few people might read.
I don't think we can accurately determine our self-worth. According to my psychology professor, who we are is visible only in relation to others. We learn the most about who we are by observing our relationships. But there's no way to objectively measure relationships, and what would you be measuring about those relationships? From our viewpoint, we are just us. And we generally don't have the most objective perspective of ourselves. We tend to obsess over our faults and idealize our successes.
If I already know that I matter to all of the people in my life, then I think the real question is - do I matter to myself? This is the only question I can answer. I think in the past I would have looked within myself to find this answer as if somehow there were two parts of me disagreeing about my importance. Is my mind separated from my heart? Does my heart think I matter while my mind thinks I don't? Ridiculous as that sounds, it is a viable possibility in which case I recommend emotional work with some love and forgiveness. However, if my mind and heart are together then if I matter to one part of me, I have to matter to all of me. If the answer doesn't come from inside, then how do I know if I matter?
I matter to myself because I care about building relationships that build up, bring me an opportunity for growth, and push me to keep on moving. I matter because I care about being a motivational, inspirational, or comforting influence. I matter because the way I choose to treat others reflects the way I treat life, myself, and my circumstances. If my family matters to me, then I matter to myself. Thus, by extension, what I do must matter. Why do psychology papers about insomnia matter? Because my mom matters and I began the paper searching for answers for her sleep issues. It doesn't matter if she doesn't read the paper, she'll still get all the information that I think matters to her. Why to crazy art projects matter? Because sharing my perspective of the world with those around me is important. It makes them think, or pause, or reflect, and very often laugh. That matters. So yes, getting up every day matters. I might not always see it or believe it, but if I look at those around me and the real reasons why I do the things I do, it matters.
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