Redefine Perfection

I am quite a perfectionist. Some may not realize how hard I strive for perfection, but every day I see and feel the evidence that I really, really want to be perfect! Absolutely perfect.

Of course, I'm never going to be perfect, so this could be a catch twenty-two and I might run myself to the bone trying to find some ethereal form of perfection. I've certainly lived that reality. I work for the top score in all my classes as evidenced by the fact that I have 100% or above in three of my classes, 99.5% in one, and then one class that is my nemesis at 97.8%. I see my search for perfection at work where I speedily, sometimes frantically, type, arrange, and complete projects and generally outperform my coworker, but at what cost?

See, that's the problem. There's a cost to everything. Even perfection costs something. I might lose relationships because I'm so focused on school. I might push people away because they feel they can't measure up to my level of perfection. I might burn myself out at work and think I have to quit my job (which almost happened).

I've spent a semester trying to increase the balance in my life. I've spent more time with friends and family. I haven't done every extra credit assignment. And I brought God into the equation and asked him to help me make up the difference. I would pray before every assignment, every test, sometimes before class. I would pray before making decisions about speeches or projects. And for the most part, it worked.

Except in Spanish (99.5%), and Physics (97.8%).

You might look at those scores and wonder how I can think that prayer didn't work. Just remember I was hoping for at least 100%, and that for me, any drop into the 96% area is a tragedy. I worked and worked to improve study habits and test scores, yet I kept falling short of where I wanted to be. I started to wonder how God could call this making up the difference, and I didn't want to know where life would be if He wasn't making up the difference.

I found my answer yesterday as I took my final Spanish assessment. I'd learned about the assessment two weeks ago, and one week ago learned it would contain a lot of cultural questions. I wasn't at all prepared to answer questions about various Spanish cultures, so I began a studying regime. I worked out my study schedule and I stuck to it. By yesterday I had memorized five chapters of culture, I had reviewed every chapter of the textbook to solidify my grammar. I was as ready as I knew how to be.

Before taking the test I said one more prayer. I asked to have my memory expanded, that I might read slowly and carefully, that I might remember this semester of learning, and I ended by asking that I might feel prompted to reconsider an answer if it was incorrect. I began the assessment and it was startlingly easy. The culture was a breeze, the grammar was obvious. I ran into two questions with similar answers, and as I double checked my answers I discovered I'd misread one of them, so I fixed that. The Lord had heard my prayer.

Except for question 56. I knew immediately which two answers were incorrect, but I could not remember if the pronoun went before or after the verb. After completing the other 99 questions, I returned to 56 and stared at it. I have a problem with second guessing and was nervous about changing my first response answer. I prayed again to know which answer was correct and only felt stress. I then changed my prayer and asked to know if getting this question wrong would get me a score that was less than my grade could handle. If it wasn't, I was going to submit the test as it was. With a feeling of peace I submitted the test and scored 99/100. I actually don't know if that question was the one I messed up, but I did learn something interesting.

My first thought was that I didn't get the perfect score. The second thought was that it really didn't matter. My reasoning behind achieving perfect scores is so that I never have to worry about losing my scholarship. However, I only need a 95% in each class in order to achieve that goal. In physics I've been learning about systems and reaction pairs. I've learned that if you define a system properly, physics works! Conservation of momentum or energy only work in a closed, carefully defined system. When you define the boundaries and the edges properly you can figure out the answer.

Accepting imperfection is easier if you redefine your system. No, I didn't get the 100% score I wanted. But, the point was to maintain a scholarship, and a 99% does that just as well as 100%. Ask yourself what your true goal is. If your goal is to always score 100%, be prepared for disappointment. If your goal is to improve, to be kinder, more thoughtful, or more successful than the day before, then realize that a less than perfect score still gets you to your goal.

If you're struggling with perfection, take a step back and consider your true goal. While you might not be perfect, are you good enough for heaven? When you're facing a problem 56 in life, take a moment to look at it. Don't judge the fact that you don't know every answer. Don't stress about the result. Ask if messing up this problem is going to affect your end goal. If it's not, then make the choice and let the results follow. Live in peace knowing that if you consult with the Lord, nothing you do can mess up your life, your eternity, or your happiness.