You Have Always Been Able to Rise to the Occasion

My mom recently asked me, "how are you going to handle being a mom?" This was in response to my declaration that I often have a difficult time in situations with high energy and lots of people. In the moment I laughed the question off and told her "it's different when it's your own children." But inside I felt my heart crumble. This was the second time she'd asked that question in the same month, and the second time it made me wonder if I was cut out to be a mother. All I've ever wanted to be, since I was four years old, is a mom, and suddenly I was questioning if I would be able to handle it. I was filled with doubt, worry, fear, and I lost hope.

After two days of torture, I was walking to my class, praying so hard that I would know if I could handle motherhood. The answer that came wasn't what I expected. In my head I heard, "Esther, you have always been able to rise to the occasion."

That gave me something new to think about and I started looking back at moments in my life when I had risen to the occasion. My life is filled with examples of church callings accepted, teaching assignments fulfilled, art classes passed, pain endured, fear conquered, and joy regained. Almost everything I've done was accomplished through a hard fought battle and a decision to achieve a goal. I thought back to my first time attending a singles ward event, terrified of talking to strangers or making conversations with new people. I remember I went through months of self-inflicted torture to teach myself how to converse naturally in social situations. I would come home and cry, shaking as I released the fear I experienced in every social encounter, and then I would get up and do it again the next week, until finally, finally, something shifted and it became easier. 

So, with these memories flooding my mind I returned to the present and the thought that I have always been able to rise to the occasion. Rising to the occasion isn't easy. In my life, rising generally equates to climbing an insurmountable mountain with bloody hands, sore feet, and burning muscles. It involves emotional breakdowns, physical stress, and self-doubt. Yet, like any climb, the view at the top is worth the fight. You find the reward of rising when you look forward with new information and strengthened muscles. No longer haunted by a fear of social situations, I can look forward to a day when friendships don't scare me, when high energy is rejuvenating, and when being surrounded by people brings me joy. That day isn't today, those mountains are yet to be climbed, but what I have accomplished can never be taken away. 

How am I going to handle being a mom? I really don't know. And I really don't need to know. I'm not married, I'm nowhere near having children, I'm currently handling other things in my life. It really doesn't matter how I'm going to handle mothering.

What does matter is that I know that when the time comes, when it's time to climb my next mountain, I will be able to rise to the occasion.